Hello! You're listening to season 1.5 of Rivers of the Mind.
“But Timmy”, I can hear you saying, “Why is it season 1.5 and not season 2?”
Well Mr. Rhetorical Strawman, Season 1.5 is made up of shorter vignettes
explaining background events of the series, or details of characters lives that
either came into play in the last season, or that might come into play in
seasons far, far into the future. It's also strategically placed between Season
1 and Season 2 so you don't decide to use the 18-35 demographic doesn't choose
to use their valuable podcast listening hours listening to something that isn't
related to drugs, as part of our commitment to polluting the minds of the young
and establishing a New World Order. Anyway, before we begin, I just wanted to
say that Rivers of the Mind is not meant to condone or encourage the study of
geology or participation in human relationships. All events in Rivers of the
Mind are completely fictional, and any resemblance to other persons, real or
imagined, is COMPLETELY NOT ABOUT YOU AND ME JANICE. GET A GRIP AND STOP
MESSAGING ME. With all of that said, please enjoy episode A of Rivers of the
Mind Season 1.5, entitled “Why John Broke Up With Janice.” Fuck. I mean. “Why
John Broke Up With Janet.”
[Footsteps walk across sandy ground, the sounds of a busy
road or highway behind them. Eventually they come with a stop]
"[sighs] I guess I don't get it.", Janet looked
back down and rapidly clawed out another text message into her phone. I ignored
her, or tried to, and instead turned my attention back to the desert, something
I missed deeply going to college in Irvine—my eyes flowed over the rolling
scrublands, punctuated with ancient intrusive rocks that peered from beneath
whispering sands, humming secret conversations between cacti and snakes and
birds and our intruding feet. The components of the landscape, though seemingly
barren, interlocked like a great jigsaw puzzle, so that they pulsed with color
and with life. "It's not for everyone.", I conceded. "Don't
worry, maybe some day you'll convert me to the dark side.", she rolled her
eyes and reached for my hand. The dark side. Well Janet, that's one way to
describe geology, I thought but wisely did not say. I reached back for hers
awkwardly, and uncomfortably. Both of us came from the same town but seemed to
live in separate worlds. She seemed to get frustrated when I headed off on the
weekends, but when I invited her along, she'd act like this. Distant. Annoyed.
Impatient.
"Hey! I see something."
"What?", she glanced up from her phone.
"Over in that ravine."
I pulled her up and we carefully made our way down a short trail. A small ravine had been eroded into a decomposing layer of granite, making it the perfect place to find gems and minerals. I guess I know deep down that Janet didn't give a fuck about gems and minerals, but maybe she just hadn't seen the right ones yet. Her hand started trembling, and she eyed the ground with suspicion, looking for rattlesnakes. She had never been hiking before she met me, or camping, or even set foot in a national park, so I felt like I needed to go easy on her, but it was hard to find somewhere to take her that wasn't tame enough for her sensibilities.
"Look at that, more rocks.", she smiled, looking over her shoulder to see that we were out of sight of the road. I nodded, gulping, and she pulled out her phone again as I noticed a crevice. Kneeling down to look inside, I carefully overturned a few rocks until I found a piece of tiny green piece of marble, colored with red and yellow pastel like colors. I pulled it from the shadows and held it out to her. "It's marble.", I said, "Like your parents have on your counters." She looked at it with a mix of interest, and fear, afraid, I imagined, of getting too much dirt on her hands. Setting her phone down on a boulder, she grabbed it. "Wow! That's pretty.", she said, looking back at me, and expecting for me to take the stone away from her. "Yeah, it's a metamorphic rock. Like...right here, you have granite, right? That comes from volcanoes. If you put heat and pressure on that rock, for millions of years, eventually it transforms into that."
"You're such a nerd.", she laughed, handing it back to me "It's cute."
Smiling weakly, I nodded, and set the rock back where I'd found it. "Aren't you going to keep it?"
"No, this is federal land."
"Oh, okay."
"Plus I already have...uhm. I think...three rocks like that one."
The two of us made our way back to the car, both somewhat disappointed, agreeing to head back to a diner that we'd spotted on our way out to the park. "This drive is so boring. I don't know why you do it." She had me stop on the way there, to go to the bathroom at a rest stop. She slammed the door and ran in, as I waited in the car, tracking the hills on the horizon with my eyes. This was the first relationship I'd had. I was shitty at it. I didn't know why. Or I knew why. It was just hard to pin down the primary reason. Was it that we didn't have anything in common? Was it that her church friends all awkwardly tried to minister to me whenever we hung out? Was it that I'd caught her littering? I didn't know for sure. I wanted to say it was the literring, but I mean, I've littered before to, so, I don't know.
In my own way, though, I loved her for everything that made the relationship shitty. I liked awkwardly trying to get to know someone so different from me. I liked holding hands with her while her friends uncomfortably asked how old I thought the earth was. I like how she'd started recycling to impress me. We were going to spend Thanksgiving together, at each others houses, and she'd meet my parents, and I'd meet hers. I liked having a companion of some kind that I could (ding) trust. I mean, I had friends. But not a (ding) person that I was this close to. I--(ding). Well now I was curious. I knew I shouldn't have been. But, I mean. Janet was still in the bathroom, and...what could it hurt if I just like...looked at whatever she was talking about. You don't do that though. You don't look at someones (ding)...um. Phone. Fuck. What was she talking about? Did she mean to leave this in the car or something? I--hmm. I peeked down at it. It's camera stared back up at me, my reflection barely visible in the surface of its bright pink case.
Shaking, and already guilty, I turned it over. Her friend from her college bible group, Alicia. "I think you might be right about him being gay. Most guys have at least some interest in sex, plus it seems like he...", her first text. The next, "Sorry, meant rocks lol" And then "I'm sorry your date was so lame, though. You're right it does seem kind of suspicious. You should definitely talk to him about it." The last one, "On second thought, maybe you could invite him to our party on the 2nd. Get him a little bit loose and see what happens..." Janet emerged from the bathroom. I quickly placed the phone back down where I'd found it, and started the car. "Hey baby!", she kissed me on the cheek as she climbed in. "Hey.", I kissed her back, weakly, and pulled out of the parking lot, "Have fun?"
"Oh yeah. Best truck stop ever."
Janet took her phone from the center console, and opened her texts, looking over at me intermittently as she read them.
"How about you?"
"Yeah, I mean, great truck stop."
"Thanks for taking me out here, at least.", she said, with what I now recognized to be a fake brand of kindness. I gripped the steering wheel tightly faking a smile, and pressing the accelerator as hard as I could to merge on the highway, almost as if I could run away from her, even if I couldn't really hope to escape. I wished for a moment that I could read her mind. "Yeah, definitely. It was a lot of fun. I'm glad you went along with it." Weakly, she smiled, starting a reply to Alicia.
We drove fourty minutes to get to the diner. They were tedious, uncomfortable minutes--Janet quietly formulated her plan, just out of my sight, while I gripped the steering wheel, both of us sliding into a total silence. Awkward, but not really a noticeable departure from what had become normal for us. She'd felt this way all along, I became certain; she'd been wondering why I didn't ever want to go further than kissing her, why I spent so much time alone. I seemed uptight, dull, and unattracted to her. I wanted to fix it. To fix myself. We pulled into the diner parking lot, and I put the car in park, before reaching over and grabbing her shoulder to turn her in my direction. Awkwardly, I tried smashing my mouth against hers--a test kiss, so to speak, and sure enough, I felt love for her, but no desire for anything more than what we were doing in that exact moment. But knowing that it somehow wasn't enough for her, that she wanted more, something I didn't feel capable of giving made my heart crumble more and more with each beat. I tried to force myself to reach out with my hand, to touch her leg, down by her knee--my hands slowly drifted upwards. She smiled brightly. "You want to go back to my dorm?", she asked. My stomach sank. "Sure.", I smiled, weakly, and kissed her on her cheek.
The two of us headed in to the diner. The hostess quickly showed us to a booth, uncertain if she recognized us, but vaguely remember that we, or someone who looked like us, had tipped well. The booth was vaguely sticky to the touch, with faint specks of white cotton erupting from its cracked leather like geysers. Barely perceptible crumbs of sweet and low mixed with crumbled biscuit collected on the sides of the table, having escaped the recent onslaught of wiping delivered by a hastily deployed white rag probably five or ten seconds before we sat down. A waitress came by and handed us menus. I ordered a cup of coffee. She ordered a shirley temple. Faint odors of burgers and fry oil wafted from over the counter. Janet smirked at me, sending a quick message to Alicia. My fraught imagination wondered what she might be telling her--my spine bent forward over my stomach with guilt.
Shortly after our drinks arrived and we ordered our food, Janet excused herself again to go to the bathroom. My stomach lurched as I watched her walk away. Whatever this was, it was wrong. Whatever it was, I had to stop it. Something had gone sour, almost immediately, when I read those texts. The facade had been stripped away. Nothing about this was right. But I didn't want to have to face her. I didn't want to have to explain it to her. If I left, she'd probably decide that Alicia was right anyway. Guzzling the last of my coffee, I pulled a fifty dollar bill out of my wallet and set it on the table underneath my mug, before charging for the door and heading across the parking lot to my car. While backing out of the parking spot, I awkwardly fumbled with my phone to dial the number of the local cab company. "Hello--Hi. Yes. I am calling for a pickup in ten minutes at the diner off of Plaza?--Address--Uhm. It's Larry's Diner. Yeah. Harry's. No. Not the one next to the cactus farm, the one by the Trader Joe's—Uh-huh. Sure. Well, it's not for me, it's for my friend. Yeah.--her name is Janet. She'll be out there waiting--thanks. Yeah. I had an emergency."
I turned out of the parking lot and hit the first
stoplight. Feeling even more guilty, I pulled out my phone, sending a text to
Janet. "Hey. I had an emergency and I needed to run--" a car loudly
honked behind me. Flooring it, I sped forward, fumbling out a partially
mispelled text, "bit I csllrd u a cab. sorry." I threw my phone to
the side. "I probably could have handled that better.", I thought to
myself as I merged onto the highway, "I wonder if she'll...yup. She's
calling me. I probably should pick...no." I kept driving. And driving.
Eventually the feelings of disgust that I felt for myself gave way to anger,
and those feelings gave way to a freedom, as finally, I was once again alone
with the desert and the open sky with no feelings of shame for not dedicating
that time to Janet, no feelings of self-consciousness about being too boring or
too different. "Hey! I see something."
"What?", she glanced up from her phone.
"Over in that ravine."
I pulled her up and we carefully made our way down a short trail. A small ravine had been eroded into a decomposing layer of granite, making it the perfect place to find gems and minerals. I guess I know deep down that Janet didn't give a fuck about gems and minerals, but maybe she just hadn't seen the right ones yet. Her hand started trembling, and she eyed the ground with suspicion, looking for rattlesnakes. She had never been hiking before she met me, or camping, or even set foot in a national park, so I felt like I needed to go easy on her, but it was hard to find somewhere to take her that wasn't tame enough for her sensibilities.
"Look at that, more rocks.", she smiled, looking over her shoulder to see that we were out of sight of the road. I nodded, gulping, and she pulled out her phone again as I noticed a crevice. Kneeling down to look inside, I carefully overturned a few rocks until I found a piece of tiny green piece of marble, colored with red and yellow pastel like colors. I pulled it from the shadows and held it out to her. "It's marble.", I said, "Like your parents have on your counters." She looked at it with a mix of interest, and fear, afraid, I imagined, of getting too much dirt on her hands. Setting her phone down on a boulder, she grabbed it. "Wow! That's pretty.", she said, looking back at me, and expecting for me to take the stone away from her. "Yeah, it's a metamorphic rock. Like...right here, you have granite, right? That comes from volcanoes. If you put heat and pressure on that rock, for millions of years, eventually it transforms into that."
"You're such a nerd.", she laughed, handing it back to me "It's cute."
Smiling weakly, I nodded, and set the rock back where I'd found it. "Aren't you going to keep it?"
"No, this is federal land."
"Oh, okay."
"Plus I already have...uhm. I think...three rocks like that one."
The two of us made our way back to the car, both somewhat disappointed, agreeing to head back to a diner that we'd spotted on our way out to the park. "This drive is so boring. I don't know why you do it." She had me stop on the way there, to go to the bathroom at a rest stop. She slammed the door and ran in, as I waited in the car, tracking the hills on the horizon with my eyes. This was the first relationship I'd had. I was shitty at it. I didn't know why. Or I knew why. It was just hard to pin down the primary reason. Was it that we didn't have anything in common? Was it that her church friends all awkwardly tried to minister to me whenever we hung out? Was it that I'd caught her littering? I didn't know for sure. I wanted to say it was the literring, but I mean, I've littered before to, so, I don't know.
In my own way, though, I loved her for everything that made the relationship shitty. I liked awkwardly trying to get to know someone so different from me. I liked holding hands with her while her friends uncomfortably asked how old I thought the earth was. I like how she'd started recycling to impress me. We were going to spend Thanksgiving together, at each others houses, and she'd meet my parents, and I'd meet hers. I liked having a companion of some kind that I could (ding) trust. I mean, I had friends. But not a (ding) person that I was this close to. I--(ding). Well now I was curious. I knew I shouldn't have been. But, I mean. Janet was still in the bathroom, and...what could it hurt if I just like...looked at whatever she was talking about. You don't do that though. You don't look at someones (ding)...um. Phone. Fuck. What was she talking about? Did she mean to leave this in the car or something? I--hmm. I peeked down at it. It's camera stared back up at me, my reflection barely visible in the surface of its bright pink case.
Shaking, and already guilty, I turned it over. Her friend from her college bible group, Alicia. "I think you might be right about him being gay. Most guys have at least some interest in sex, plus it seems like he...", her first text. The next, "Sorry, meant rocks lol" And then "I'm sorry your date was so lame, though. You're right it does seem kind of suspicious. You should definitely talk to him about it." The last one, "On second thought, maybe you could invite him to our party on the 2nd. Get him a little bit loose and see what happens..." Janet emerged from the bathroom. I quickly placed the phone back down where I'd found it, and started the car. "Hey baby!", she kissed me on the cheek as she climbed in. "Hey.", I kissed her back, weakly, and pulled out of the parking lot, "Have fun?"
"Oh yeah. Best truck stop ever."
Janet took her phone from the center console, and opened her texts, looking over at me intermittently as she read them.
"How about you?"
"Yeah, I mean, great truck stop."
"Thanks for taking me out here, at least.", she said, with what I now recognized to be a fake brand of kindness. I gripped the steering wheel tightly faking a smile, and pressing the accelerator as hard as I could to merge on the highway, almost as if I could run away from her, even if I couldn't really hope to escape. I wished for a moment that I could read her mind. "Yeah, definitely. It was a lot of fun. I'm glad you went along with it." Weakly, she smiled, starting a reply to Alicia.
We drove fourty minutes to get to the diner. They were tedious, uncomfortable minutes--Janet quietly formulated her plan, just out of my sight, while I gripped the steering wheel, both of us sliding into a total silence. Awkward, but not really a noticeable departure from what had become normal for us. She'd felt this way all along, I became certain; she'd been wondering why I didn't ever want to go further than kissing her, why I spent so much time alone. I seemed uptight, dull, and unattracted to her. I wanted to fix it. To fix myself. We pulled into the diner parking lot, and I put the car in park, before reaching over and grabbing her shoulder to turn her in my direction. Awkwardly, I tried smashing my mouth against hers--a test kiss, so to speak, and sure enough, I felt love for her, but no desire for anything more than what we were doing in that exact moment. But knowing that it somehow wasn't enough for her, that she wanted more, something I didn't feel capable of giving made my heart crumble more and more with each beat. I tried to force myself to reach out with my hand, to touch her leg, down by her knee--my hands slowly drifted upwards. She smiled brightly. "You want to go back to my dorm?", she asked. My stomach sank. "Sure.", I smiled, weakly, and kissed her on her cheek.
The two of us headed in to the diner. The hostess quickly showed us to a booth, uncertain if she recognized us, but vaguely remember that we, or someone who looked like us, had tipped well. The booth was vaguely sticky to the touch, with faint specks of white cotton erupting from its cracked leather like geysers. Barely perceptible crumbs of sweet and low mixed with crumbled biscuit collected on the sides of the table, having escaped the recent onslaught of wiping delivered by a hastily deployed white rag probably five or ten seconds before we sat down. A waitress came by and handed us menus. I ordered a cup of coffee. She ordered a shirley temple. Faint odors of burgers and fry oil wafted from over the counter. Janet smirked at me, sending a quick message to Alicia. My fraught imagination wondered what she might be telling her--my spine bent forward over my stomach with guilt.
Shortly after our drinks arrived and we ordered our food, Janet excused herself again to go to the bathroom. My stomach lurched as I watched her walk away. Whatever this was, it was wrong. Whatever it was, I had to stop it. Something had gone sour, almost immediately, when I read those texts. The facade had been stripped away. Nothing about this was right. But I didn't want to have to face her. I didn't want to have to explain it to her. If I left, she'd probably decide that Alicia was right anyway. Guzzling the last of my coffee, I pulled a fifty dollar bill out of my wallet and set it on the table underneath my mug, before charging for the door and heading across the parking lot to my car. While backing out of the parking spot, I awkwardly fumbled with my phone to dial the number of the local cab company. "Hello--Hi. Yes. I am calling for a pickup in ten minutes at the diner off of Plaza?--Address--Uhm. It's Larry's Diner. Yeah. Harry's. No. Not the one next to the cactus farm, the one by the Trader Joe's—Uh-huh. Sure. Well, it's not for me, it's for my friend. Yeah.--her name is Janet. She'll be out there waiting--thanks. Yeah. I had an emergency."
Janet figured out that I'd broken up with her when I sent her another text message to clarify after about a week or so. She sent me a long text right after telling me that I broke her heart, asking for an explanation. "I saw what Alicia said to you.", I said, "I realized you weren't happy with who I was." She never responded. The two of us graduated on opposite sides of the alphabet in the different years and avoided each other through the whole ceremony. Later, I looked her up. She had married someone in the army right after graduating. We hadn't spoken in years. As much as I wanted to say I didn't care, somehow I did.
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